Free at Last
May in the Wasatch is always my favorite time of year, but this one is extra special. This is a transitional month. Winter fades and waves of summer cook the valley a few days at a time. The trees cloak themselves in green leaves, afternoon thunderstorms roll through and convert dust to hero dirt, creeks flow high with icy runoff, the lower trails get crowded and adventurous introverts venture higher into the thawing alpine. I haven’t ditched the skis or bike yet, but running feels natural again and the transition is well underway.
I have more energy than I’ve had in two years. It feels like I’ve been just sitting around doing nothing for the past couple months, but looking back at my training I know that’s not true. I’m just so used to feeling constantly drained and exhausted at this point in the year that it feels wrong to have this much energy. I’ve been eating a ton, that’s probably contributing. Not burying myself training for a big late spring/early summer probably contributes even more. I’m overflowing with the motivation and desire to lay down massive volume, but I’m holding back and playing it safe. For about two more weeks, at least. Then I’ll suddenly find myself with a lot more free time…
Software development has been my answer when people ask what I do for work since 2019. Sometimes I love coding. I’ve been on projects where I am excited about what I’m building. I’ve been challenged, I’ve learned to think logically and explain complex technical problems and solutions to non-technical people in simple ways. I’ve usually done a decent job at it. But there have also been plenty of times where it’s been boring, I don’t feel like I’m making a real difference, I’m just one of a large team of developers working on a feature that few people will ever use, and I’d rather be running. Over the past year especially, I’ve trended more toward resentment that I’m on a Zoom call instead of on a summit. Not exactly stressed out with the quantity of work, but with the timing of meetings disrupting my preferred schedule and tired of constantly hauling my laptop around the world to avoid missing weeks and months of work while traveling for races and sponsor commitments.
The decision to step away from a grown-up job and just go play in the mountains may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s been hard for me to come to terms with. There’s a level of comfort and security that comes from a job that doesn’t depend on staying healthy and competing against the best ultrarunners in the world. In many ways, the stress reduction that comes from that security has outweighed the stress reduction that would come from having extra time and flexibility to train, which is why it has taken until now to pull the trigger.
I keep coming back to the thought of how much I would regret looking back on this period of life and wondering what could have been if I had just given myself every possible chance to be my best. I want to bet on myself. Invest in my own progress. Trust that things tend to work out for the best when you chase your obsession obsessively. I can keep the door to software development open, or find something new that I’m passionate about if I need to when I’m ready, but for right now, this summer block for starters, let’s see what this whole full-time pro runner life is all about.
